Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Yes, it's okay to talk about your miscarriage

I love this perspective:

I don't think women have always known the other women in their life who've had miscarriages. In fact, when I told a friend at the beginning of the last pregnancy that I was pregnant she replied "Well, I guess I'm old fashioned; I didn't tell people until week 13." And I responded "Why? If I had a miscarriage, I'd tell you to!"

Am I supposed to be ashamed if I have a miscarriage? It it because we're discussing something that is vaguely associated with my nether regions that I'm not supposed to tell a soul that I'm pregnant until I'm showing? Helloo!!! WORLD!!!! Get past Queen Victoria and stop blaming the mother for everything that happens!!!

I do understand the awkwardness of having to explain to someone after the fact that you are no longer pregnant. I was thinking of inventing a button that says "I'm not pregnant anymore, but I'm OK!" But if I had kept my pie hole shut, I'd never been able to talk to my friends this weekend who needed a shoulder, some information, and a "sister's" about what they were going through.

So there. I'm not going to shut up. Not that I ever could.


But then, one of the commenters below that post makes an equally valid point, and one I can very much relate to:

well, after five miscarriages (and no babies) i feel like i have a much different perspective on when to tell. I always told, at least my close family and friends, but with this last pregnancy, i just found i couldn't anymore. You're getting a bit high-handed, i think, in dismissing the reasons not to tell. that decision often has nothing to do with any victorian mores, or even shame, often it's pure terror of even putting voice to something you know is so completely fragile. it's so very private. plus, after five of them, i just couldn't handle all the pity. and honestly, i think most people just don't know what to say anymore. false positivity never did it for me. so, yes, having support is essential, but sometimes you need to come to terms with what's happening (or might happen) before shouting it to the world.

19 comments:

  1. I had no trouble telling people at the time it happened, but it seems to me that it's later that you aren't supposed to talk about it. I'm supposed to have "gotten over" it by now, and truthfully a few months afterwards I thought I had; but the days leading up to my due date were really hard, and visiting a friend on the maternity floor of the hospital (she was recovering from a miscarriage) was torture, and now every time something important happens I think to myself, "Am I the only one who feels like there is someone missing? (my baby, who would have been six weeks old)." Everyone else's life has gone on, and I'm still sad, and I really don't feel like anyone who hadn't been through this themselves would understand, especially since I have living children.

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  2. I recently had a miscarriage. I have a daughter that is 18 months old, and so I had no reason to believe that there would be something wrong. We told people at around 6 weeks, and honestly, I would not have done a single thing different. Of course, it has been hard, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think how far along I would be. I appreciated the prayers from the people we had told and really, would not have done anthing besides what we did.

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  3. I tell people early because I'd rather they know and support me then not know and me just avoid them.

    It's the risk I take EVERY.SINGLE.TIME

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  4. Hi- I recently miscarried and the first thing my mom said was "next time don't tell people until you're five or six months" this bothered me like I did something wrong. Like I should be ashamed of my miscarriage. My husband too has echoed her sentiment.

    I dont know how I will feel if I have multiple losses, but as of now, telling people has helped me because I have support. yes it was really hard to untell people, but I can't imagine going through it alone.

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  5. i. feel like im feeling the wrong way . i find the only way to bock it out is to drink a botttle of wine . My friend is Pregnant it is very hard for you to be happy for someone when inside you feel like why did mine die what did i do wrong.i dont know how to make it feel better . i do not show amotion i am tired of feeling this was i wish i had died.

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  6. i Just cant seam to get over it . i keep it to myself. im drinking to much i wish i were dead. i wait till im by myself . i am by myself . every website i visit keep going on about couples . i want to shout im by myself i want someone to tell me it gets better but its not it happend sort of 8th june ( why am i not getting over this) i am a strong person yet this is killing me. i cannot find people to talk to . i wish i were dead i wish it was me that died i must be a really bad person what did i do to deserve this i hope i get the courage to end this pain . i pretend everything fine yet i cry and cry this is not getting better

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  7. Its like i am broken, heart broken to be exact.
    but not the kind of broken heart that can be healed
    this is going to leave a permanent scar inside me.
    I am all heart and love, not only did this ruin me
    its un healable. there is nothing anyone can say
    to make this pain disipate. I am feeling washed over
    with emotion and run down by lost hopes and dreams.
    It all happened so fast, & now its gone for good.

    You find out your pregnant and you instantly
    begin thinking of names and what he or she
    is going to look like. We crossed our fingers for
    a boy but of course we would have taken either or.
    I pictured us ( my boyfriend and I ) with him. I thought
    he would have his ears and eyes. My boyfriend was such
    a gorgeous baby i wanted ours to look exactly like him.
    I pictured us at our baby shower and giving birth. I pictured
    playing at the park and taking walks in the stroller. But nothing
    would have prepared me enough for what did happen. Life is not
    Always going to choose the path you want, and i guess we just
    are left to pick up the pieces and move along. The heart beat is
    "absent" they tell me. Like its not here today but could come back.
    Instantly thoughts went racing through my mind. No i saw it on the Ultrasound screen its there
    i saw it, its bigger then the last time. I have a picture of it at home and
    we already bought the cutest outfit. I am going to be a mommy and my
    boyfriend is going to be a daddy, who are you to take that title away from
    us like that so instantly. I woke up that morning like any other morning, happy
    and excited to see my baby on the ultrasound screen. Little did i know not even six hours later i was prepped for day surgery and about to under go a D&C. I was horrified, I was scared and
    confused, i never thought i would be laying on that bed about to undergo this horrible procedure.

    We had names picked out and plans big plans, now i feel lost, where do they go from here.
    Do we just wake up and pretend it never happened, or do we jump back on the horse and try again? Not only is the surgery painful afterwards but i honestly feel the emotional recovery is the most painful of all. No one understands what a "miscarriage" means to a person until its you standing there with your life in the balance. For any-one out there who has gone through this heartbreaking time, i pray for you each and every night, that each day becomes easier and the heartache, doesnt disapear ( because it never will ) but fades off into the back of your mind. I wish you happy and healthy babies in the future.

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  8. Hey, I'm actually cuttently miscarrying! I'm 36 and this was my 2nd pregnancy. I have a 14 yr old. I'd love another child. the father however, with whom I'm not in a relationship, but know well for over 2 years has shown me such coldness that it has made my loss all the more unbearable, especially as he is aware that he is the only one I have confided in. I think I'm in shock as well as grief and am unable to seperate the two. I've read loads of these posts and, thankfully, most of you guys seem to have support. What they heck have I done so wrong???

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  9. I just lost my precious baby boy 8 days ago... I was 14 weeks along. I feel awful for so many reasons. I feel guilty that my body could not carry my son properly, and I feel like I did something wrong, although I was so careful and proactive in my care that I don't know what I could have done. I am angry that the doctors did not catch it in time, and I'm angry that I didn't go to the hospital sooner so maybe my son could have been saved, but I didn't know- I had just been told earlier in the day that everything was fine and the bleeding I was experiencing was normal. I am so angry that my perfect, brave, healthy, strong son was born with a heartbeat and died because my body wasn't strong enough to hold him, and not for any fault of his own. How am I supposed to deal with that fact? How am I supposed to go on without him?

    I was going to be a single mom and the father of my baby won't speak to me, he blames me for the loss and is ashamed that I did not protect our son. Going through this loss has been devestating, I am completely destroyed. But going through this alone is worse than I can describe. My family & friends have stopped calling and stopping by, it's been 8 days and apparently they are done talking about this and think I should move on. I will never move on.

    I can't get out of bed, I can't eat, i can't sleep. I certainly cannot move on. I feel completely alone. I miss my son so much and I just want him back.

    I resent everyone for being able to go about their daily lives. I can't even distract myself with TV or going out because there are pregnant people everywhere and babies all around. It's torture.

    I feel like I'm dead. I feel like the one thing I've ever wanted in life was just taken from me. People have babies everyday that don't even want children, that abuse or neglect thier children.. why couldn't i have mine child?

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  10. my 18 year old daughter found out she was pregnant just days after her birthday. she was scared but her boyfriend and her agreed they would make itwork. she started having spotting right away. there were many appointments. in her 6th week they found the hearbeat but it was too slow. they warned her of a miscarriage. she stayed in bed and took good care. in her eigth week she starded to contract and she went to the e/r. she was in alot of pain and i had to yell at the doctors to do something. they finally got her in a room. she was bleeding heavily. they took her for an ultrasound but she felt she had to go to the bathroom first. then it happened she had the miscarrage. she saw the small sac about as big as her palm she took it out of the toilet and told the nurse but they said there was nothing they could do. the told her to flush it. my poor daughter is now in such pain because thats all that she can remember. they should have at least wrapped and disposed of it later or given her a choice of what to do. this was devastating to all of us. it would have been my first granchild. a welcome addition to our family. from one day to the next it was all over. and now she cries alot and is depressed. i tell her only time will help. she needs to grieve. she has friends who are due about the same time as her. she sees them grow and ready themselves for a baby. we can just pray that she will be ok and that although she cannot forget she can accept it and hopefully have healthy babies in her future.

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  11. i got told my baby stopped growing last friday i went into hospital the night before but they told me my cervix was closed so it was 50 50 i was releived but worried the blood didnt stiop so i got an ultrasound i rmember her face when she scanned me they couldnt find my baby so they went internal and there he was tiny 6 weeks i was supposed to be 12 weeks my scan was supposed to be today i have to wait till monday till they tell me if my babys gona or if hes grown or if i have to get a d and c and its killing me i try to be strong cause i fell apart on firday and my boyfriend never saw me like that i picked myself up on tuesday but it just hurts so much and i want it to go away cus i cant let go till monday cus i have this hope that he will have grown and my dates were mixed up but deep down i no cause the blood it still coming out i just want to scream cus its not fair and ppl are anoncing there pregnant it makes me angry and i dont like being this jelous person im only 19 my boyfrend is 23 we was so happy we were gonna buy a house now its all gone how can it just be taken away from u so quick god it hurts

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  12. I also miscarried at 14 weeks. I want to say to the two women who felt that they had no support, it does get better. I miss my baby so much, but I can get through a whole day now- I can even laugh sometimes. I don't think you ever get "back to normal" you just reach a new normal. I'm sorry to hear about all of your losses. This is a terrible thing we've gone through, but we are by no means alone.

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  13. My 14 week checkup started with light joking w/my dr and turned into an embarrassing run through the office lobby as I sobbed my way to the parking lot. No heartbeat. I had just seen her the week before waving and kicking. I have other children, healthy and whole. So of course I wonder why. But I know I'll never get an answer.

    The next part of the process is the challenge. We opted not to have a D&C and are waiting for a "natural" miscarriage. I've already started to feel pain here and there, a little burning. But no spotting. I've never gone into labor on my own and so I'm concerned that this won't happen without help either. So this morning, I'm going to use a medication that my dr says will start uterine contractions and speed up the process. Now I wait for the pain and for the inevitable passing of my baby.

    I don't want to "catch" her here at home. I thought I could but as the time passes, I realize that I'm done being brave. I'm done being strong. I'm hurting and I've been through enough. We'll go to the hospital when the pain is too much and I will let the dr handle it from there. I want them to handle the baby's body with care but I can't do it myself.

    So since I'm still in the midst of it, I can't tell you what it's like to heal from this. My husband and other children are loving and laughing and comforting. They bring me tissues and rub my back. I know I'm blessed. I'm surprised that this miscarriage is so emotional but now I understand. It sucks, but I understand. I send the rest of you many hugs.

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  14. Today would have been my due date. I've been crying for the last two days. What an awful loss. To make matters worse, I didn't have a relationship with the father. I told him, but he won't talk to me any more. Plus, I had post partum depression. This loss has nearly destroyed me. The overwhelming depression has lifted some, but the intense grief makes it so hard to care about the beautiful things life has to offer. I would hope no one will have to suffer like I did. Ask for support from everywhere. Even if you feel awkward, talk to strangers. You would be surprised how caring people can be.

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  15. I'm with you people get so upset and disgusted when u tell them early on I was happy to tell people I wasn't expecting to go through a miscarriage right now but it happened, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, this is my first one and I'm distraught good luck to you!

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  16. I also miscarried at 14 weeks. I want to say to the two women who felt that they had no support, it does get better. I miss my baby so much, but I can get through a whole day now- I can even laugh sometimes. I don't think you ever get "back to normal" you just reach a new normal. I'm sorry to hear about all of your losses. This is a terrible thing we've gone through, but we are by no means alone

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  17. I am 25 and healthy and never ever expected to miscarry, i took all my prenatal s with folic acid, followed all the "dont do's" and when our first prenatal appointment came up jan 3rd 2013 we were so excited, i mean Ive never been so excited to go to a doctors appointment. Then, the midwife did the ultrasound and was concerned that i was wrong on my last menstrual cycle b/c the baby wasnt that developed ( expected at 10 weeks) and it looked under 5 weeks. And she said there was no heartbeat... but to get some blood work to test the HGH levels, then recheck in one week. but the very next day i begun to bleed and started having cramps, i called my advice nurse and they said I was having a MC and to take extra strength Tylenol and have a heating pad... this was sat.. nothing had passed so i had to have an appointment on that Monday.. I seen a dr. this time and he confirmed my missed mc and then he prescribed me some misoprostol (cytotech*) and Vicodin.. I took my dose at 7pm that evening and started cramping and bleeding heavily. These cramps sucked... I took hot showers to relive the pain ( i don't have a tub)I dint pass anything big until the next morning at 7 am.. that's when i passed the yolk sac, then 30 mins later was my baby, it didn't look like much just i knew it wasn't a blood clot, i still bled for three days and at work on Wednesday i passed the placenta, which was nearly the size of my hand! I stopped bleeding finally three days ago. And then after everything was out All i wanted was my husband, not even to try ( maybe its the hormones or the need of intimacy), this was our first pregnancy, i hope the odds are in our favor next time ... which i hope is soon :) take care everyone, and reading all these blogs helps me so much.

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  18. When does it get easier? I have recently had a miscarriage and it just hurts more and more :( my fiance won't talk to me or even let me talk to him about it I need to grief but I'm to scared too incase it causes more arguments :( I just want him to be there for me

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  19. We lost our baby this year the day after mothers day and it doesn't get any easier to deal with it actually gets harder as this was a planned pregnancy and we were so very excited. We lost our baby at 12 weeks. I wrote a blog about it to help other women, please go read and share!

    https://blightedovumchangedmylife.wordpress.com/

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